Category: Blog Article

“Why was I even born?”

It’s a question I hear now and again. Matter of fact, I’ve heard myself ask it in years past. The years when I lacked identity, lacked hope, lacked truth. All I could see was the dismal existence I dwelt within.

The story of Ester rings in my heart. Being of another people, she had no mother nor father, but an uncle cared for her. When the king of the land began to look for a new queen, she came to his attention and was chosen to be queen. Her heritage of belonging to another people did not seem to be of question at the moment.

Soon disfavor found her people and they were all to be put to death. The uncle who had raised her in his own house came to speak to her. He asked her to intercede with the king in hopes of finding favor for their people, that lives would be spared. She knew her life would be in danger to go without summoning before the king.

Her uncle reminded her, although her life may be spared in the short term, in the long run she would still find demise. He sealed his words of wisdom into her heart with, Est 4:14 “For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance shall arise for the Jews from elsewhere, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?”

I don’t question anymore why I was born. I know. I know the timing of my existence has importance and I play a significant role to others around me. Where it may cost me my comfort and even my life, I must lay down my agenda to exist for my own purposes and choose the higher calling. I was born for such a time as this.

An afternoon turned upside down with a mere phone call. My own agenda was set aside and I traveled without any idea of what to expect. A new way of living and I learn to roll with it. I didn’t know if I’d need to stay so I took a bag with me and hit the highway. I had much time to wonder and ask questions, even more time to just listen and worship.

I found where I was supposed to go and within mere minutes of conversation I confirmed what I already knew. Little hope lived in this place. A heaviness lingered. Entering the room I heard machines humming. A television was spewing useless noise so I asked to have it turned off. It was time to sit down quietly and love.

Upon leaving I could finally understand in my heart why Jesus overturned the tables in the temple. Dishonor and injustice had found a comfortable roost where they did not belong. My tears broke in the hallway and I could not find my way out in the maze. I didn’t bother to hide my hurt.

If people’s hearts had openly shared hurt in that temple of long ago, would the powers that were in charge have been so quick to let the temple turn into a place of business? I wondered at the mission statement I had read over the doorway as I entered this place…compassionate…..healing? There was even a cross embedded into it. When I asked the greeters if they were women of faith, I was told, “No, just women in pink.”

Still they labeled this place to have been based in faith. To my own eyes it looked like a business. Instead of “money changers” they had the “ATM machine”.

Mar 11:15 …….Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers………..

I must go, time to go, can’t tarry.

Hush, sit for a moment

She’s waiting, mustn’t make her wait

Be still for a moment

I don’t want to let her down

You won’t

Won’t she know I’m not there

She knows where your heart is

Okay Lord, I trust what you say

I am Faithful and True

Agitation flooded my senses and it started to spill forth. A friend asked if I was okay and I was honest to say I’d had enough at the moment. I love to be helpful but there was a breaking point; being able to help versus being inundated with so much I could no longer effectively help anyone. In my stressful state I knew it was time to step away. I put everyone on hold and took my hand sized football to try squeezing the stuffing out of it. (Employers give these things away probably thinking it will keep the outbreak of violence in check.) It was time to walk away.

Taking inventory of my attitude, I quickly recognized my need and spent a few minutes alone to replenish my peace, strength, love and understanding. It’s easy to have my battery drained if I am counting on myself but I am plugged into heaven. If my King Himself needed refreshing, who was I to do things any differently?

Luk 5:16  As often as possible Jesus withdrew to out-of-the-way places for prayer.

Blessing…check, opportunity….check, motive….hhhmmm, need to check that!

Ever been so absolutely sure about your heart only to have a dark corner exposed unexpectedly? I was so caught off guard by a feeling I couldn’t define, I immediately took it to the throne room to inquire….”what is this Daddy?”

I felt so much pain when He showed me, tears came and I just wanted to be alone. I am never alone though. His precious comfort came to wrap me up; again I learn how much I am loved. With my best friend, I released my confession and left the darkness behind me once more.

I could hear an unfriendly voice try to draw near and I put up my hand immediately. With language of authority I deflected the sounding lies wanting to come in. Instantly they diminished and could be heard no more. Motive……check!

Pro 3:3  (Message) Don’t lose your grip on Love and Loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart.

Then the rains came, torrential; sideways to pound against the windows of my house. I sat in front of one of the windows with a cup of coffee and looked out into the weather. In all the chaos of the storm I can’t help but think “cleansing”.

A quiet time to ponder in the hours I am typically “doing other things”; not today, today I was to reflect. The downpour just kept coming and as I watched, it seemed to grow in strength. About mid afternoon the sunshine broke through the clouds and a high wind blew. Without hesitation I went to stand in the middle of these winds, receiving all their message. Refreshing.

Psalm 104:4 (TNIV) He makes winds His messengers, flames of fire His servants

“Pick me, pick me, pick me!” I love that scene from the movie Shrek and I have laughed over it many times. What a representative statement of our need to be noticed. As we mature and grow in our spiritual lives, we come to understand the best way to be seen by our heavenly Father is not to seek out attention for ourselves.

As a middle child myself I have to say, “what?” How can one get fed if we don’t squawk the loudest? (The nature channels have taught us it’s the loudest baby bird beak that gets the food!) By feeding, I mean attention. Our natural inclination of nourishment is to be noticed. Isn’t that love after all?  Maturity in faith asks us to deny this very characteristic within ourselves; thus the teaching of “how to die to ourselves!”

Why wouldn’t we want that pat on the back for doing something good for someone else? What is so wrong with that? I scratch a back, I get mine scratched too.

The nourishment offered by immediate recognition is limited. It has a short shelf life. To keep getting attention from the world around us means we have to keep topping ourselves and the effort becomes exhausting.

What a revelation to find rest and relaxation in “not being seen”. If no one sees you do something, there is no pressure to perform acts of kindness. This is where the fun really begins. These become like “covert operations” and your role takes on some intrigue. Now it’s you who gets to pick the mission target, date range and gift of love to be delivered.

Our nourishment is now sustainable. Our attention comes from the inexhaustible resource.

Mat 6:4  That your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.

The hungry heart is in all of us…denial is futile but still we go about our lives searching for substitutes of that deeper thing, don’t we? How you feed yourself in this area is personal and I get that, but it’s no secret. Everyone around you can see the way you feed your craving, just so you know. Ask your friends, and if you have healthy relationships, feel free to ask your family. None will hold back. Most are anxious to point out your short-comings for sure. Before you ask, prepare your heart….”do you really want to know?” When you hear those answers….”what will you do next?” I figure if you are willing to ask, then perhaps you are searching for something more than substitutions for love.

Can’t Hide Love – (Earth, Wind & Fire)

You want my love and you can’t deny

You know it’s true but you try to hide

You turn down love like it’s really bad

You can’t give what you never had

Well bless your soul, you can fool a few

I know the truth, now so do you

The sunshine came through today, shoving aside all “gray matter” that had seemed to be stealing away my joy. For fun I rolled down the windows of my car before getting on the freeway. Fresh air pushed staleness out. I turned up my stereo to blast away a resounding “tell me something good; tell me that you love me”.

Arriving home I was surprised by a lack of leaves in my front yard. They had been choking my lawn but the weather hadn’t been amiable to do anything about them. I was even more impressed with the fact my lawn was mowed. Although I hadn’t heard from my husband, he hadn’t indicated he would be off work early. I wondered if he wanted to surprise me, but I didn’t see his truck.

Walking up the sidewalk I could hear a lawnmower from the neighbor’s backyard. It dawned upon me the manicure was a gift not of our own making. A conversation later confirmed this. I was left humbled once again about the very goodness I am always in awe of. I hadn’t even offered up a prayer for this chore need. “So this is what favor looks like today?” I thought.

Pro 8:35  For whoever finds me finds life, And obtains favor from the LORD

“Go to hell!” A screaming curse I haven’t heard to my face in a long time. My thoughts had been jarred recently about such things. How many times had I said that to someone I wondered? Did I ever mean it? Until recent years I can’t say I ever believed it to be a real place in existence.

Controversial topic for sure but one we shouldn’t avoid if we really are about “the good news and love”. I loaned a new friend a couple books of testimony from those few persons who have been allowed to share their encounters. I don’t doubt hell to be real. It’s just not my nature to scare the living daylights out of people with discussion. I doubt I’m doing them any favors with my silence, but it’s not an easy subject. There is always a word that rings in my heart though….Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire (from Jude 1:22-23a). It’s not too difficult to understand what the fire represents.

Thinking about what I’ve said in past anger now makes me take inventory to speak aloud the mercy needed. I wonder just how many can be snatched from the fire with my prayers offered in love?