On a regular basis I come into the presence of unbelief there is a God. People want to see Him face to face; they want proof of His existence. My heart can be both encouraged and broken when I stand before them. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is truly in our hearts.* Encouragement comes when they recognize God in the love shared. Brokenness comes when they reject love standing before them.
God declares I AM through creation. Regardless of our understanding, He desires to use each of us to represent His person in the flesh. We can meet God face to face when we really see each other through the love He placed within each of us.
The time has come to learn what cooperation is. When I research it, I find the meaning to be working or acting together for a common purpose or benefit. Something stands out however; there is no synonym for its meaning to compromise.
Looking at historical references we can learn much. The downfall of nations all seem to begin in the heart of those who lead, or are in partnership with leaders. The downfalls begin because someone came into an agreement to compromise from what they knew to be right.
Imagine the possibilities if our leaders could be surrounded by those whose hearts are willing to cooperate but never compromise? Integrity could use some good press these days, but until we value it within ourselves we cannot appreciate its truth in others.
The days pass quickly and people come in and out of the doors we ourselves open for them. I long to change my own doors, removing any locks I may have installed years ago from a wrong sense of protection. I am thinking about the installation of swinging doors that move in both directions. Easy to come in, but not holding anyone from needing to leave when it’s their time to go elsewhere.
Splashing water on my face I was shocked by its cold touch. Lifting my head up, I could see my glassy and bloodshot eyes looking back at me. I was feeling less than stellar with a cold coming on. A dizzy sensation made my legs warble some and I grabbed the counter to steady myself. I pulled on the towel dispenser with wet hands but the dizzy hit me and I had to lean again on the counter. I wondered at my sense to even be here.
Heading back to the studio room I quietly entered and lay myself on the floor of rugs and throw pillows. The music comforted and soothed me physically and mentally. I knew others were in the room with me but it was time to leave them and be with my Father.
I closed my eyes and waited for His reality to come once more. In minutes I could see His blue fire come with an invitation to go further into His truth. The sensation of being stuck to the floor came and I felt as if electricity pulsed through me. I concentrated on the fire and it began to change into different images. I could see the Lion. I could see the Lamb. I could even begin to see the eye of understanding. Looking closer I could see the nearness of moving beyond what I saw….
Frame 1 sketch – endless bodies thrown away as trash in a dumping ground
Frame 2 sketch – a man emerges from this trash pile
I passed through the room while my husband watched a documentary relating to how a sci-fi movie had been conceptualized. In only a couple minutes these images imprinted upon my heart for their deeper meaning. Our concepts and ideas always seem to be original but they really come from the hope embedded within us.
The world we live in may not seem to think we have any worth, and may even try to throw us away. It’s our integrated hope which can give us the strength we need to survive; to know we are not trash, redeeming us. If we forget this, we need only remember Israel and the holocaust.
Sometimes I can read things or hear people speak, and sense there to be depth in the words, but I feel a lack in my understanding for why. Regardless, I habitually file them away in my mental vault and wait. One of these sentences I had stored was, “can’t see the forest for the trees”. Although it seemed simple enough on the surface I knew one day this would mean more to me. At the time I had a visual picture of walking in the woods and seeing where I walked but not being aware of how vast it was for the place I was walking.
I began to think about that sentence in a new way this morning. I could see myself looking at my life as though I were viewing it through a camera lens from high above. As I adjusted the lens, details would come in and out of focus. As I pointed the lens at individual places I could see them clearly. Each time I repointed this lens, I would get very detailed pictures but only of a small area in my life. Eventually I removed the lens from my eye and could see over the entirety that was my life. The lens was a great tool for details but I needed to see the whole picture as it was meant to be seen.
I hummed while doing what needed to be done. It was nothing mournful despite my hurting heart. A cornucopia played in my head. Comfort wrapped itself around me when I was reminded, “everybody hurts sometimes, so hold on”.
I went to the mailbox and a package awaited me. More of His comfort, “Beloved…as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride so will your God rejoice over you…Isa 62:5” I began to hum some more.
In pondering the truth of intimacy I felt a lack of words. What I wasn’t lacking were emotions. I could “feel” lots of things about it. The surprise was not everything I felt was good. I didn’t always seem to be in control for what intimacy was. Intimacy seemed to be piercing everything. My thoughts, my space, my privacy, in essence me, my very heart.
My Father seemed to be showing me even more truth about what intimacy was meant to be. I could sense wanting to back away. If I could just keep Him out of that one place, or even the other, than I’d never have to face fear. As I wrestled with the emotions, I got up to walk away again, but I am never able to get away from His soft loving voice.
“I know what kind of a person you are and sometimes it’s good to let other people in on the secret.”*
In that one sentence I felt my Father pierce my heart with His intimacy.
* dialogue from a Bones episode
It has been a long time since I had free reign to open up the throttle on a motorcycle. I can still remember moments of abandonment when I would almost peg 100mph without a helmet. The only reason I ever slowed down was road grit hitting me a bit hard. When I woke up this morning I longed for that same spirit of abandonment. To be able to take risks simply because they need to be taken in order to feel truly free.
I stand at the counter waiting to pay for what I know I’ve spent. My time, my talents, my energy, my love and my words. I empty my pockets and find there is nothing left. The line is long behind me and I realize my embarrassing situation. I can’t pay what I owe. The Clerk looks at me carefully and smiles, “I’ll pay what you owe daughter, it’s worth the price.”