A friend sent me a word about “the pens of ready writers are going to write as never before”. This is not the first time someone sent me this article but it certainly captures my imagination. What an awesome thing to be ready to write the words of hope in a time when so many have none.
I myself am encouraged in many ways, but I think sometimes the most powerful moments I can learn from are when I see those I love and care about pushing on. During the middle of hard news, hard times, with nothing on the horizon to say it will pass quickly, still they carry on with hope and praise in their hearts.
What bright candles burning passionately in the middle of darkness. I want to be with these fiery people no matter what season they are walking in. I want to learn everything there is to know about staying lit up with hope. I want to have my own candle turned up to be just as bright.
Looking up at the night sky I could see so many stars. I could make out the pine tree’s outline against their brightness. It was time to “feel” something more again, something more than just thoughts darting about in my head.
I stood at the edge of the pool looking at the water for a moment or two and it just made sense. I turned around making sure the heels of my feet were right against the edge. Holding out my arms from my side I let myself fall backwards into the water. The cold was a shock to my body and staying under for a minute I enjoyed not hearing the wind anymore.
Coming up for air, I took another look at the stars overhead. This was good. I was alone with my Father again. Wondering about His ways in this world I began to swim back and forth to meditate upon who He is.
I could hear someone sit down in the chair behind me. It was time to head back to my desk so I gathered my journal and phone together and started to walk past them without looking. I tend to give people some privacy when they are catching their break at work. I heard her say, “Hey Debra” and I stopped to say hello but I knew I only had a minute.
I had thought about her son the night before and felt I needed to see his picture. Kind of an odd notion but I followed the thought and asked if she had one at her desk. She was laying on her back as we were chatting and I recognized a sadness in her eyes. In mere moments she shared some personal information I knew was breaking her heart because I could feel the weight of it in my own.
She had her cell phone with many photos of her son which she showed me one after another. I was so torn inside. My job responsibilities would not let me stay and I had to tell her so, but as I walked away I started to pray desperately for my heavenly Father to come and finish the conversation and give her some comfort.
“A man can’t be taken to hell, or sent to hell: you can only get there on your own steam.” C.S. Lewis
I was half listening to whatever music I had in my deck today and a line I heard made me reach over and turn it up….”my memory serves me far too well.” Ouch, I thought, how true for my days lately. My deepest desire at times is to leave every unfavorable memory behind me, buried forever, but that’s just not happening.
I found myself giving thought to the Titanic actually. How loud it must have been breaking apart and filling full enough with weighted water to sink forever beneath the waves. Nothing will raise that beast of a ship again. It’s a beautiful thought for some of the bad memories I can liken to the size of the Titanic.
About the time I am feeling the weight of my own memories start to take me under, someone will come into my vision suddenly. My Father is at work again. He finds unique ways to answer my cries for help. When I cry out to Him for comfort and His arms to hold me, He will instead use me to reach out my arms to comfort another and hold them as they share their brokenness.
Walking away from such moments, I am filled with wonder. It’s in the giving away of the very thing I asked my heavenly Father for, that I myself am comforted.
My restlessness can push me to wander and roam but I dislike being aimless so I will often take my journal and sometimes a camera wherever I go. Then I can justify myself if all I capture is one beautiful moment. My time won’t feel wasted.
This afternoon I hungered to see a bridge in the light of sunset so I asked my husband to take me for a drive. I knew where I wanted to go and he was gracious enough to grab some gear and be open to an adventure of some kind. His trust touches me and I don’t always understand why he will follow me when he doesn’t know where I may be taking him.
Another life lesson for me which I thought about as we drove along the narrow country road. There are so many lessons to learn and I seem to be a full time student.
The pale gold grass was now waist high as I walked the dirt trail. Stopping for a moment I took in the view of this small valley. Standing in the heat of the sun I could feel the tears drying up leaving just the salt drops on the inside of my sun glasses. It was good to be in the breeze cooling me off.
My husband back tracked to come find me and led the way up into the tree canopy where we walked silently in the shade for a while. He knows I don’t always need words to comfort me. We stopped on the trail to sit on some tree stumps and listened to the birds and the crickets. I had brought my bible with me and opened it to read aloud for a bit, remembering the treasure I carry in my earthen clay jar. Such moments help me quiet my inner storms.
I need to preface this article with a truth. I come from a place of real pain and real hurt; yep, the real world, just like most of those whom I desire to reach. For my brothers and sisters who currently are walking in deliverance, I’d ask for some understanding for those who still need to “relate”.
Several years back I was drawn to this song which even today, I can remember where I was when it first penetrated my brain. I was sitting in my car at some truckstop that no longer exists, and I had a deep feeling of frustration in wanting to believe there was more to life than what I was living. There had to be more, but my circumstances only made me feel the frustration. I sat in the front seat of my vehicle with the volume turned up enough to equate with the angst in my soul! With all my heart I heard these words and sang aloud with them, especially……”save me!”
I only share them because today, I am saved! I know there are so many others who are just as frustrated as I was who are searching for what I found. I know they too are listening to whatever music fuels their angst and frustration. My thought is that if I happen to walk past that car spilling out a noise, I will recognize a chance to offer a word or prayer of the hope I now have within myself. I especially want to recognize the opportunity not to judge, but remember myself sitting in that front seat longing so desperately for there to be more about this life.
Man In The Box – Alice In Chains
I’m the man in the box
Buried in my shit
Won’t you come and save me, save me
Feed my eyes, can you sew them shut?
Jesus Christ, deny your maker
He who tries, will be wasted
Feed my eyes now you’ve sewn them shut
I’m the dog who gets beat
Shove my nose in shit
Won’t you come and save me, save me
“It is in learning righteousness that we learn to deal with all unrighteousness.” Watchman Nee
Lately I keep grabbing the guitars to play what few chords I know. My fingertips feel it, but there is something soothing in playing music notes when you can’t define the thoughts in your head. I suppose it’s like a good rock tune on a long and winding road without any traffic to annoy you; doesn’t really matter if the song ever quits because it just “feels good”. My playing is a reflection of my thoughts, undefined and not necessarily coherent. Not my talent but certainly a tool for mood.
I count myself lucky to have outlets for the flooding going on in my head. I have plenty enough to keep me occupied, but often times I am taken away to wondering about those around me. No matter how much I want to help another, the simple fact of life is that I don’t always have the evident solutions for what is needed every moment. I know I have the final answer but sometimes knowing the outcome doesn’t always comfort one in the storm of the moment.
I need to strum some more!