Can I tell you a story?…..I like to find quiet places when I leave the office for lunch and today I parked my car too close to some bushes rather than crowd another. Getting out, I was literally in the bush for a moment. At a bench I sat down to do my thing in the solitude and looking down at my lap I noticed there to be a tiny bug looking like a spider. Hey, I’m outdoors; what do I expect? Flicking it off of myself I went back to my pencil and paper. Another spider bug was sighted on my other pant leg. Okay, so now I am wondering if there’s more. Standing up I can see several have attached themselves to the lower parts of my slacks so I get busy shooing them away. Bothersome but nothing I can’t live with.
When time is up I head back to my car now wishing I didn’t have to get in the bush again to access my car door. It’s such a tight fit and I don’t have time to check myself over for these spider things before I am seated. Hoping I’m not carrying any of these creatures I head back to the office and stop in the bathroom. Sure enough, I find some more of these little things on my slacks. I do the dust away thing with my hands and am agitated when a couple don’t flick off but explode their tiny guts upon my pants, leaving small smears of themselves.
When I finally get to my desk it’s all I can do to not think about these tiny spiders and how many I may not have seen. Of course I am an imaginative person and my thoughts start to take off in the wrong direction but I’m trying to keep them in check. “No, that itch on your left hand is just a twitch…what was that on the back of my neck?…how come my cheek feels like there’s something there?…..” About the time I think I have myself in check mentally, one of these creepy little spiders drops from my hair onto the desk!
Outwardly, I tell my co-workers “I’m freaking out” in a voice as calm as can be (they already know about these spiders). Being compassionate (?) people they begin teasing me. Inwardly, I am the woman screaming at the top of her lungs, jumping up and down while I slap the crap out of myself, making sure I squash every living thing trying to catch a free ride on my carcass.
Need I share how fast I rid myself of clothing when I got home and rushed into a shower?
Opening my office window I could smell the April showers. A flash of light brightened the world followed by thunder rolling through the clouds. I can’t be stopped from being drawn to this cleansing wetness but I restrained myself from going for the drenching my inner self would like. I instead stood on the stoop while reaching out my hand, bringing raindrops back to my face.
How sweet are the gifts of heaven if we can be open to see and receive them?
My brainwaves are constantly churning and some days I purposely have to shut them down for fear of overloading my sensibilities. I can’t describe this well other than “sensory overload”. Just imagine too much electricity coming into a circuit only capable of handling minor loads of current. My favorite escape is to immerse myself in nature and my surroundings to the point I can’t hear all the noise anymore. Don’t you think life can be noisy with all its demands?
On this same wavelength, I give my thoughts over to what my fellow man/woman may be feeling or thinking. For all the many ways I can need to disengage, not all are wired the same and I see this daily by the way people want to interact. I am reminded of a lesson in life from a couple years back…a true story.
Someone in my department whom I only joked with once in the short time we spent “together” on this planet was so internally in turmoil, no one recognized the extreme state of desperation she was living in. We ended up reading about her in newspapers for how she thought the answer to her problems was to meet them with a gun, only to lose her own life.
That shook me up! I didn’t know her, but really no one did; somehow that seemed wrong. None of us should walk this earth in a state of being lied to so much as to think we are “alone” and “there is no way out”! This lie irritates me and let me share my heart to tell you I am being polite with my words.
For all the many ways I may want to be left alone at times, I’d rather spend my time being overloaded in my senses than think I may have missed saying the one thing to someone I didn’t know so they might think twice that…..”Yes! Their life was worth something and they mattered!”
Chris Pierce sings a song called “Are You Beautiful” where he asks a question we all ask of each other, whether we voice it or not, “I wonder to myself, are you beautiful on the inside…..have I been fooled and hypnotized, I just want to see the truth in your eyes…..”
I find myself always looking for the best in people I meet, but so often I sense such deep wounds. There is a roughness around the edges which can make it difficult to communicate. I only recognize this because of where I’ve been myself and how far I have yet to go. I can’t hurry myself along for the person I want others to see me as, but I am assured of this one thing…..they will see “truth” in my eyes.
There comes a time when we just need to admit we have to go back in order to go forward. For myself, that would mean embracing what comes naturally, my childhood instincts! I have often heard the term, “the more you know, the less you know”, and finally, I am beginning to understand the very truth of these words.
In the natural world order, I sought an education of higher degree thinking this would advance my knowledge, prospects and prosperity. Something within me began to recognize the futility of this pursuit before I chased its trail for too much of my adulthood, but still I was left with the question of, “what do you seek?”
Now I have the answer, but finding this is not exactly the end all et all of understanding. Matter of fact, it’s only a beginning of a much bigger mystery. I am completely believing I have found myself living the truthful adventure beyond the imaginations of an Indiana Jones picture. The map I am using is very accurate, however I found my biggest stumbling block is my own mind! I must be able to let go of “logic” and simply walk in faith to believe all is possible.
Moments of reflection find me during the quiet hours when the phone is no longer on and the household is asleep. Such moments don’t come often enough in my scheduled life so I savor them. I keep looking at my journal, wondering if I have anything more to write into it today. It’s a funny line to walk between the totally private thoughts and those to share openly in such a way it may encourage another. So many of my private thoughts bring questions I cannot answer. Perhaps by putting them in that “secret place” answers will come sooner than later.
I was reflecting upon friendships tonight. What they have been, what they are and what they are meant to be. Another question I can’t answer since I find them evolving, but only so much as I open myself up to possibilities. I have never before understood their varied nature since I often kept myself aloof from the many facets this aspect of love and life offered.
As my heart changes it is becoming impossible to want to protect myself because that would mean going backwards. Going forward however means being vulnerable to possibilities of rejection or hurt feelings. Once more I stand upon a cliff where I know my heavenly Father is calling me to leap into His soft hands, offering me my future…..I confess…..I am still scared.
His voice I cannot resist so I must plunge forward with disregard for what it may cost me in the moment.
The ocean’s waves I desire to see and in a few weeks I have plans to soak myself in them, but for now I must use my recollection of memories. There is something so soothing in how waves ebb and flow, keeping such a steady rhythm. The many times I sat on beaches I found peace up until the storms hit. These I quickly retreated from to more solid ground where the sand couldn’t be washed away from beneath my feet or a wave wash over me, pulling me into the swell.
As I live my life in the fullness of who I am to be, I have taken note of how many storms can come upon me. Some are so unexpected I have no time to take to cover; I am sucked under a raging wave dragging me into its maw. My natural instinct is to thrash about kicking and flailing but it’s not until I surrender to the King of peace do I find myself delivered, threats diminishing once more.
For lunch I went to a nearby area that has a pond and saw the fountain spray water fifteen to twenty feet in the air, watching the breeze blow the smaller drops of water toward the sidewalk. I really wanted to take a walk around it just to enjoy the mist for a while but I was limited for my time.
I always have my journal with me but today I left it in the seat of my car and took my pocket bible instead. Opening it I read aloud once more into the breeze. These are the moments I can’t ever get enough of. Under the clear blue skies, sometimes I just feel my heavenly Father’s eyes are upon me….and I wonder “Daddy, what are you thinking about right now?”
I can’t wait until the day He will tell me……….
My evening was long and by the time I made it to the home front I had nothing left physically or emotionally. I was impressed I remembered to take off my shoes and brush my fangs. Stripping off layers of self-protection is not easy business. I am beginning to understand why furniture refinishers deserve to get paid as much as they do. All that sanding and detail work…..what a chore!
I can’t yet see myself as the polished oak piece I am meant to be but I sense myself to have been moved from the storage shed into the work area where the real Craftsman can begin to hone His vision.