Author: debrabee

There comes a time when we just need to admit we have to go back in order to go forward. For myself, that would mean embracing what comes naturally, my childhood instincts! I have often heard the term, “the more you know, the less you know”, and finally, I am beginning to understand the very truth of these words.

In the natural world order, I sought an education of higher degree thinking this would advance my knowledge, prospects and prosperity. Something within me began to recognize the futility of this pursuit before I chased its trail for too much of my adulthood, but still I was left with the question of, “what do you seek?”

Now I have the answer, but finding this is not exactly the end all et all of understanding. Matter of fact, it’s only a beginning of a much bigger mystery. I am completely believing I have found myself living the truthful adventure beyond the imaginations of an Indiana Jones picture. The map I am using is very accurate, however I found my biggest stumbling block is my own mind! I must be able to let go of “logic” and simply walk in faith to believe all is possible.

Moments of reflection find me during the quiet hours when the phone is no longer on and the household is asleep. Such moments don’t come often enough in my scheduled life so I savor them. I keep looking at my journal, wondering if I have anything more to write into it today. It’s a funny line to walk between the totally private thoughts and those to share openly in such a way it may encourage another. So many of my private thoughts bring questions I cannot answer. Perhaps by putting them in that “secret place” answers will come sooner than later.

I was reflecting upon friendships tonight. What they have been, what they are and what they are meant to be. Another question I can’t answer since I find them evolving, but only so much as I open myself up to possibilities. I have never before understood their varied nature since I often kept myself aloof from the many facets this aspect of love and life offered.

As my heart changes it is becoming impossible to want to protect myself because that would mean going backwards. Going forward however means being vulnerable to possibilities of rejection or hurt feelings. Once more I stand upon a cliff where I know my heavenly Father is calling me to leap into His soft hands, offering me my future…..I confess…..I am still scared.

His voice I cannot resist so I must plunge forward with disregard for what it may cost me in the moment.

The ocean’s waves I desire to see and in a few weeks I have plans to soak myself in them, but for now I must use my recollection of memories. There is something so soothing in how waves ebb and flow, keeping such a steady rhythm. The many times I sat on beaches I found peace up until the storms hit. These I quickly retreated from to more solid ground where the sand couldn’t be washed away from beneath my feet or a wave wash over me, pulling me into the swell.

As I live my life in the fullness of who I am to be, I have taken note of how many storms can come upon me. Some are so unexpected I have no time to take to cover; I am sucked under a raging wave dragging me into its maw. My natural instinct is to thrash about kicking and flailing but it’s not until I surrender to the King of peace do I find myself delivered, threats diminishing once more.

For lunch I went to a nearby area that has a pond and saw the fountain spray water fifteen to twenty feet in the air, watching the breeze blow the smaller drops of water toward the sidewalk. I really wanted to take a walk around it just to enjoy the mist for a while but I was limited for my time.

I always have my journal with me but today I left it in the seat of my car and took my pocket bible instead. Opening it I read aloud once more into the breeze. These are the moments I can’t ever get enough of. Under the clear blue skies, sometimes I just feel my heavenly Father’s eyes are upon me….and I wonder “Daddy, what are you thinking about right now?”

I can’t wait until the day He will tell me……….

My evening was long and by the time I made it to the home front I had nothing left physically or emotionally. I was impressed I remembered to take off my shoes and brush my fangs. Stripping off layers of self-protection is not easy business. I am beginning to understand why furniture refinishers deserve to get paid as much as they do. All that sanding and detail work…..what a chore!

I can’t yet see myself as the polished oak piece I am meant to be but I sense myself to have been moved from the storage shed into the work area where the real Craftsman can begin to hone His vision.

I woke up this morning feeling anything but saved and I can’t even tell you why. Some days are like that, as if my spiritual covers were pulled off of me in the night. Now I could waste lots of time struggling with the insecurities of my feelings but instead I choose to grab hold of truth and start reminding myself of who I am in Christ.

Ever hear the term “hopeless romantic”? Ever lived it? I used to. My romantic nature is so strong I could never understand what drove my restlessness even when I would have thought myself to be complete in a relationship I am fully committed to. Then one day I read something that made sense and I understood the deeper thing in myself.

C.S. Lewis….”If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, also we should begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world.”

No longer was I hopeless. My search for truth took me into the greatest love story being written just for me. Better still, I get to take those I love most with me.

Love stories are so personal aren’t they? Romance novels or headlines in a magazine can’t offer you what you desire. This I know full well. Now and again I ask my husband the all important question….”will you marry me?” He always answers with an enthusiastic “YES!”

Why do I ask him? Well, let’s just say I am a woman who has found love I wasn’t looking for. When my husband asked me to marry him I was so hesitant I almost got sick to my stomach during the “ceremony”. True confession! In the years to follow I have been given the ultimate gift of absolute faith.

Originally I used to say my husband made me want to be a better person but then I came to understand something phenomenal. It wasn’t the man I was so in love with as much as it was the Jesus in the man!

Education is a beautiful thing but only in the many ways it can be used to free the oppressed and further a better purpose.

Today’s lesson for me has to do with a definition I think I need to clearly examine.

Obfuscate. Never heard this word? Sure you have, you just didn’t realize its meaning or the many ways you have been exposed to its influence already. A better definition might be …to make so confused or opaque (I know, another word not often used, just think milky water) as to be difficult to perceive or understand. How about…to render indistinct or dim (darkened)?

Yeah, kind of thought you’d know its meaning. Now think “obscure”! Hidden right? So now that you know what a word means, will you look at a newspaper or t.v. news story with an educated eye? How about the “googled” news story or email you just downloaded? I only ask because I use words myself and I love the many ways I can hide a meaning in what I write.

Just being honest folks….or would you rather I obfuscate what I’m saying?

Long week coming down and there was nothing sweeter this afternoon than leaving work and beginning to unwind, knowing there was nowhere I absolutely had committed to be. As much as I love pursuing a deeper understanding for life, friends and family, I also have a natural tendency to want to be alone sometimes. I don’t think I’m meant to be this way but it serves a purpose for me in the moment. I can gather my thoughts or flat out get rid of some.

My least favorite part of the day is the bumper to bumper game, but even that I can make work for me. Most days I choose to meditate on higher things but this hour I simply stuck in a memory stick loaded with tunes and started to mentally “kick back”. There is something just plain fun in music and today all I wanted to play with was mindless bass tunes. They didn’t even need to have profound meaning. Now if you knew me well, you’d know this isn’t the “norm” for my brain waves.

Home again and it’s just natural to get rid of the shoes and hang-ups for obligations. “The man” had somewhere to be this afternoon so I got to take the office as a personal fiefdom. Without having to be considerate, I was free to hit the bass on my pc for all its worth, loving the way the air pushes against my bare feet while I type.

A friend sent me a text and photo today of a beach shot in Florida where the skies are sharp blue, clouds fluffy, water inviting and white sand everywhere. I love him; he knew just what gift to give me….a picture of what it means to relax no matter where you are!