Month: April 2009

A few years ago my husband picked me up a cd from overseas on one of his many travel adventures. I can remember a song called “I Don’t Wanna Be” sung by some names I don’t remember, but I do recall the sentiment of the tune. They didn’t want to be called by names not their own and then the best line of all….”I just want to be free, I just wanna be me.”

I had always liked the song, but today I understand fully what they were speaking of. As a society we put demands on each other and ourselves for definitions of who we are or who we should be. What happens to us when we can’t identify with that assigned role?

I have been contemplating the greater things in life. Today I was focused on my purpose for walking about the earth in this hour. There are moments when the normal routine of life just doesn’t do it for me, I get bored. There is more to life than punching a clock, paying bills or getting together with other peeps once in a while.

I know there’s more because I have tasted it now and again. My taste at living the real life has come while doing something for others, especially when they can give you nothing back in return. The greatest rewards for my living have been while giving my life away in those moments.

I meet so many people who are looking for a hero. What I see in these people are heroes in disguise. They just need to step out of their ordinary existence and do the unordinary things. They need to let their hearts release the hero within.

Challenging thoughts are important to me. I am not interested in some automaton existence, nor do I think most others to be. I suspect this is why most of us have a challenge to understand who Jesus is? Many who try to share their faith, end up sharing religion rather than their love.

I will confess my struggle to understand my own faith and what it means to share with others the truth of life and love. I despise religion to the very core of what it means, but I am not sure those standing on the outside of me understand who I am? Do they see my love or do they see my religion?

Normally I observe and pay attention to people and their actions but getting away for a few days, I really wanted to just be alone. The seaside cliffs helped me realize my longing as I sat among their edges taking in the surf. Rarely did I see anyone now and I enjoyed the solitude.

A strong wind was blowing and crashing waves broke over the rocks. I tried to capture a few of these thoughts in a journal but some things you are just meant to experience. I was looking at these waves and wondered what the disciples saw when Jesus “rebuked the wind and the raging of the water…and there was a calm”?

The building is now empty and boarded up. If I hadn’t of been in the area I would’ve forgotten of its existence altogether. I can still remember the first time it was built, a huge building on large empty grass lot with nothing else for acres. Now the largely grown trees surrounding it conceal its blight from nearby thoroughfares.

I don’t know what made me pull into the parking lot surrounding it but I parked beneath a huge shade tree and got out to sit in the grass for a spell. With my pen and paper in hand I began to remember it in its heyday. Cars would crowd the outer parking and you could hear loud raucous music pouring out into the night. I can’t say I ever went in when it was open; nothing attracted me to the place at the time.

Looking at it now I can only wonder what new life is coming to this place and so many others? For sure there is a new thing coming to many places.

Do I really need to say anything?

The challenge of a bad day is one I can only rise up to meet. Once I’ve been kicked to the curb by circumstances what are my options? Well, I can whine about them and agree with every negative thought that just happens to pop into my little brain or I can remember who I am and what I’m here for. Why is it when we are in an emotional low spot, things just seem to happen? Yeah, I think we all know.

I will grab my keys and a ten spot to tip the tow driver. When he drops off our truck for repairs you can bet I am going to thank him and make sure I smile about it. Not quite the victory dance I would like but I have to take what I can get in any given moment.

I want to get high! No, I’m not kidding. When I was living another life I used to think the best high was of a pharmaceutical variety, both legal and non. The supernatural high in Christ I have found only shows me there is more and my addiction is not physical but heartfelt. Being in His presence is all I want to be.