DebraBee

In and out of doors people came and went. Passing through the metal detector to get into lines and sit in various rooms where wordly justice was to be dispensed. Entering the courthouse I could feel a foreboding heaviness wanting to crush me. The mood all around was unsettling; anger, fear, anxiousness, animosity, hopelessness and so many other dark things. A couple times I could feel my stomach lurch and my mouth began to water as though I was to be sick. Closing my eyes I prayed and the nausea lifted from me.

I sat a while trying to understand how I was meant to be a light in this darkest of places. It didn’t take long to realize I was here to observe the desperation of a people unaware of hope. I was here to pray in a place where much prayer was needed. A song began to play in my spirit.

Oh you bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I’m alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I’m found

And You opened the door for me
And you laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You’re everything I need

Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh you find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

All honor
All glory
All praise to You  *

Matt 5:16 (MSG)  Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand–shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

* Lyrics by Hillsong United, Oh You Bring

While I lived in Japan, I learned much of their history and about the things they considered to be honorable. Even methods of death were given protocols for honor. A graphic form of suicide called “seppuku” was often spoken of and taught in their history. Samurai warriors were expected to have the courage to disembowel themselves with their own sword rather than fall into enemy hands. At the time, this offended my sense of self preservation, not to mention made me wonder at the mindset it would take to do such an act upon one’s own body?

In the word, Paul speaks often about “dying to self” and he was well aware it would take a sword. Suddenly, seppuku begins to make sense to me. The samurai were onto an understanding, but performing in the flesh was never what it was really about to truly be honorable. It was always about the heart.

Heb 4:12 What God has said isn’t only alive and active! It is sharper than any double-edged sword. His word can cut through our spirits and souls and through our joints and marrow, until it discovers the desires and thoughts of our hearts.

A multitude of small birds kept coming closer and closer to our table outside where we were having coffee. The desire for food outweighed their fear of man. I watched my friend hold out her hand to draw them near. Not seeing any food they could identify, they stayed at a distance. An acquaintance who had joined us threw out some pastry crumbs to which they flocked, gobbling them up quickly.

Watching these trusting creatures seeking a meal, I felt compassion at their longing for nourishment. In their hunger, they never hesitated to feed themselves from anything that looked like a quick and easy menu. I’d seen it often enough in people but seeing such a vivid truth in these small birds brought reality into my heart.

We ourselves and so many around us are starving for nourishment. We seek truth that will fulfill us, but we are easily distracted by fast food to sustain us in the moment. We don’t even give thought to its nutritional value, as long as it fills our empty stomachs. An hour from now we will hunger again. When the food of the world is no longer plentiful or desired, where will we seek our meal?

Pro 23:3  Do not desire his delicacies, For they are deceptive food

Stores are stuffed with a wealth most nations can’t fathom. Songs play on speakers, trying to stir up a sense of anticipation and joy for the season. I had gone out to pick up some tokens I thought we would need, but I ached to return to the heart of the matter.

It was time to linger in the truth of love; to soak in the hope of real gifts. These were not wrapped up in ribbons and paper which would fade away. I sought to lay up treasures in heaven.

Mat 6:19-20  “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.”

A recent news feature was a great reminder of how we are “living stones” and not bricks of conformity. As we come together to be built into something beautiful, I wonder about my place in the plans of my Father’s kingdom. As a living stone, I can often feel like the odd rock, with rough edges and not seeming to fit anywhere. What I feel isn’t necessarily the truth. My heart is eager to be submissive in joining others in love, building for the future.

The horses were confined. Fences had been built by men to harness their freedoms. The area to run had been taken away, and the strength of their muscles began to lessen because they no longer had the plains to run upon. Without room to run and grow they began to lose their identity, falling into a state of routine. Each morning they’d be fed the same food. They drank from a tank of stale water. Nothing inspired them to move around much.

When south winds began blowing, the air was filled with fragrances of former fields they knew to be pleasant. Putting their noses upward, they began to remember freedom. It stirred inner memories which had begun to fade. The horses began to whinny. They could hear and smell another horse they couldn’t see who lived in freedom. A stirring was felt within the fences and restlessness set them to begin pacing. Frustration at being confined began a movement…..soon the fences would not hold them.

“Come closer”, I say to this man I trust. The night is dark and the air is cold. He wraps me in his arms and speaks to me of his love. I feel safe. I feel warm. I believe his words of love and I drift off to sleep.

Let me be your wonder

Let me be your awe

Let me be your trust

Let me be your hope

Let me be your all

Let me be your love

Just let me be….

Days end, and I ponder the thanks I have to offer for the life I’ve been given. A poem comes to mind about The Road Not Taken. Meekness enters my heart. How arrogantly I traveled the broad way; bright lights and shiny baubles of every temptation. I gave myself to each of these willingly, never knowing they in turn were plundering me.

From afar He saw me. He said, she is the one I want. She is the one for me. I never saw His eyes looking at me. I was too enraptured by the beauty of other. Beauty that faded so quickly I had to keep looking for more, and more still. He sang His song to me and I didn’t hear it. I danced instead to a distant tune. When the beauty of lies began to fade, the dance grew weary. I sat for a time and then I went for a walk.

I think again about the poem of Robert Frost….two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Mat 7:13  “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.”

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles

’til you let go

’til you shed your pride

And you climb to heaven

Now you’re out there swimming

In the deep

In the deep  *

In the quiet, I lower myself to lay on the floor. I seek perspective and need to close my eyes to see this. My thoughts have come too rapidly. Breathing in deep, I become calm. Peace joins me here.

A song is playing softly. I can hear meanings. I relax the grip I’ve had upon my heart. No more will I fear what He will do with it.

*  Lyrics by Bird York, In The Deep