DebraBee

The alarm goes off. Smacking it, I dream another nine minutes. The alarm goes off. This time I swing my legs out from beneath the covers. I got to get my feet back on the ground. Sitting still for a minute, my mind adjusts to the new reality. World turning. A shower pours water over my body. Closing my eyes I go back to the dream. I just want to be back where I belong. I ache to be home.

The voice of the accuser says “run, run, run,” and his laughter is maniacal. He laughs knowing if we wear ourselves out chasing shadows, we won’t have the strength to seek the light of truth. I stop myself to stand still, covering my ears. I can feel my heartbeat drumming inside my chest and there is a pounding inside the depths of my ears. With each labored breath I become more settled, to realize the quietness coming upon me. Turning away from the desires of my soul, calmness fills my spirit. The laughter fades away….

I can see a planet with rings of color and light encircling it. There I stand on the most outer edge of its expansion seeing the stars of heaven glowing back from a distance I can’t imagine or touch. Stretching out my hands I reach for the great beyond. I keep reaching for hope.

The road was narrow, dark and winding. I watched the wipers try to keep up with the rain on our windshield and listened to the song playing in the dimly lit cab. I was struck by the coincidence of the winding turns while the song asked…”what’s coming around the bend”?

It had become a New Year for 2011 only an hour or more before…..

And you say
All my hope is in you

And you say
All I am is in you

And you say
All you speak is the truth

and you say
and you say
and you say

And Lord, I believe
In all that you say
In all that you speak

“What if they just can’t give it to you?” My face didn’t change. I didn’t do anything that would give away the hint of what had just been done in my heart. I continued to carry on the conversation as it played out, but inside I was being rocked by a revelation of truth. My husband spoke such a simple sentence; however its significance led me to make a note of it.

Later I played the sentence over and over in my heart, pondering the depth of its truth. I kept thinking about love, hope, help, healing, forgiveness, trust, friendship and dozens of other things we desire from our family, friends and people in general. We can become so disappointed by what we don’t receive from them. It doesn’t always dawn upon us, “what if they just can’t give it to you?”

To understand the fullness of what was spoken to me, I had to take a stroll through my own life as I had experienced it. The people I wanted to love but didn’t know how. The times I wanted to trust yet my wounds only made me fear trying again. The friendships I never entered into because I thought they’d only use me.

This stroll down memory lane was eye opening for how I am meant to see others. If they themselves can’t give me anything than I must recognize it’s because I need to give it to them.

Looking out the window I watched the slight drizzle of rain. My thoughts drifted in and out while I mindlessly strummed on a guitar. The notes were vague but suited my emotional state. I’d stood in that same drizzling rain earlier, waiting with a friend and my hair was still damp.

Sitting still, I could feel the inward battle raging. My immature nature wanted to toss the room, just so I could respond to the activation my heart felt to be a woman of action. A burning tear ran down my cheek, knowing it wasn’t yet time. Discipline was the lesson of the day.

We as people want to “justify” our purpose, our life, our very being. All around us we see examples of lives lived to validate our existence. What a revelation if we can finally grasp the fact we are loved. Nothing more needs to be done on our part except love and be loved. The ultimate justification of our own existence is love.

Everything is arranged

Neat, clean, nothing out of place

When they look into my life

All seems well, smile on my face

Every question has an answer

Nothing to suggest I don’t know

I have to be together

It’s all about the show

I put on my top hat and tails

It’s time for the dance

As long as they are watching

Choreographed, nothing for chance

Weary, weary needing breath

Why do their eyes focus in on me

The performance is getting old

Do I dare let them see

A time to celebrate our King!