DebraBee

Sitting beneath the shade of Your evergreens I bring my heart out before you. I can feel my voice catch while I confess and spill what I’ve been holding onto. The sun’s heat is upon me but I am not bothered by it. Your shade covers my head while Your light delivers me from any darkness trying to hide within.

In a short time I sense feeling better. I bathe myself in the grace of Your presence. Getting up I put myself in the middle of three tall standing pines. Welcoming Your perfect design, I accept You as the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

You make me wait for You

You make me wonder if You are true

And in the waiting

Anticipating….

It felt as though a grenade had gone off in my mind leaving my thoughts in splinters. I could visually see myself gathering pieces of hope from the fragmentation. Each time I’d grab onto a thought of something positive, it was wrapped inside something unsure. Unease draped itself over my shoulders and I could feel it like a blanket of chainmail. It was too heavy for my frame to carry. Bending over from its weight, I could appreciate even this burden. It brought me lower than I’d be without it.

In this low position I spoke my prayer….“Who will give me wings,” I ask-  “wings like a dove?” Get me out of here on dove wings; I want some peace and quiet. I want a walk in the country, I want a cabin in the woods. I’m desperate for a change from rage and stormy weather.  Psalm 55:6-8 (The Message)

A rhythmic pulsing drew me out of my slumber. Opening my eyes I tried to focus on what it was I had been listening to thinking someone’s stereo was too loud. The room was still dark and nothing could I hear but silence. I figured I had lay upon my ear and heard my heartbeat. About the time I was ready to dismiss the sensation, I started grinning. Why would we dismiss the ability to hear our own heart beating? And how wonderful to wake up in such a way! Laying a hand upon my chest I marveled at my Father having created the heart beating in my body. He filled it with love, hopes and dreams.

Laughter bubbled up within me thinking about some song with thump, “I’m coming up so you better get this party started, I’m coming up, I’m coming”. I knew the invitation had been extended and accepted as I slept.

Rev 11:12a Then they heard a loud voice from heaven saying to them, “Come up here.”

It was a gift to be alone without feeling lonely. My house was silent but I could hear a song playing in my heart. I went to my dining area and held out my arms. It was time to dance with the One who held me in eternity. A slow song played and I sway back and forth in the arms of Him who loved me. Words began to fill my ears, “if you know you’re loved by the King, sing, sing, sing, if you know you’re loved by the King than live for Him, live for Him”.

I stopped moving and sunk to my knees, alone in His presence. I didn’t need to speak, I only needed to be still, be quiet and just wait. More words came, “there’s a God who came down to save, show the world His amazing grace, there’s a God who came down to save and He calls your name, it’s the beautiful news, it’s the beautiful news”. *

* Lyrics If You Know You’re Loved, Matt Redman

I read the letter again trying to understand the questions. I let the pages slip from my fingers to fall to the table. My email sounded for an incoming message. I was being asked if I was okay, it was another reach to understand the questions. I looked out the window to see the wild roses blowing in the breeze. They were so beautiful. I liked to think about their simplicity of existence. No one was asking them why they were red, why they grew the way they did. They were just enjoyed to be what they were meant to be.

I reached for my keys and my Ipod of music. It was time to relax by going nowhere I could be found. It was time to just be.

The night sky sparkled with stars that had been set in place long ago. I looked at them wondering about the conversations they were witness to. My memory took me back to a place I loved… I was laying on the grass, head to head with my son, talking about hopes and dreams while we looked at these same stars together. I had wanted him to know he could do anything he desired. He could play music, he could be a programmer of awesome games, he could be a writer, he could travel, he could explore, he could…

Looking at the stars again, I smiled about the dreams he was living, and how many more were still before him? I hoped he too would lie on the grass with his own son, to share the possibilities of everything he could be or do. One day these stars would share their memories of the moments that mattered to me.

I sit on the sidewalk looking at flowers. These colors fascinate my thoughts. They remind of how unlimited our imagination can be when we appreciate who we are. A breeze moves the petals and I laugh at the multiple sensations to enjoy. To touch, smell, taste, see and hear everything in this moment; such beautiful gifts we are given. Sorrowful when we don’t notice them.