DebraBee

In a conversation with a friend, he shared his longing to want to go home. I knew exactly what he meant, but not many would understand this desire. Weariness had crept in and the ache for the unknown had overtaken his heart. I’d felt it many times myself. Once again we laid aside our own wants and encouraged one another for the task at hand.

(The Message) Php 1:21-25  Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose. As long as I’m alive in this body, there is good work for me to do. If I had to choose right now, I hardly know which I’d choose. Hard choice! The desire to break camp here and be with Christ is powerful. Some days I can think of nothing better. But most days, because of what you are going through, I am sure that it’s better for me to stick it out here. So I plan to be around awhile, companion to you as your growth and joy in this life of trusting God continues.

Humming a tune with the words “all I want is you” stopped me in my tracks. The lyrics began to saturate my heart and I could hear a question come at me, “am I really all you want?” My worship suddenly felt like it was sticking in my throat. The honesty of the question made me take an inventory of all my thoughts and then look closer still at my heart.

I again wondered at the history which speaks of those who actually walked and talked to Jesus. They saw Him do signs and wonders. They beheld His miracles and all whom He healed of sickness, disease and demonic oppression. They heard His teachings first hand. But there are some of you who do not believe.” For Jesus knew from the beginning who they were who did not believe, and who would betray Him. And He said, “Therefore I have said to you that no one can come to Me unless it has been granted to him by My Father.” From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. (Joh 6:64-66)

I realize my heart is no better than those disciples who walked away from the Lord over two thousand years ago. I have my own desires, my own agendas, my own wanting of things to work out in my life. Basically I want God to do things my way. This is where I come to the truth of my own desperation.

I will never be able to follow through in my faith without that most precious of gifts, grace. As I have begun counting the cost of what it means to follow Jesus, my inventory always falls short in what I can do to stay the course. I fail in everything I try to do of myself.

I finally answer the question with “yes, You are all I want” but I have to be extremely honest. Laying down my pride, I confess, “I can’t want all of You unless You help me, because I am weak and will try to walk away from the best thing I know unless You hold onto me!”

2Co 12:9  And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Joh 18:9  He did this to fulfill His own statement: “I did not lose a single one of those You have given Me.”

Before I knew I’d be a woman of faith, I can remember defining moments in my life determining my character. A simple example of this was how I’d once bad mouthed a fellow co-worker amongst my office staff. What I had said got back to the bosses. I was called into a private meeting with these bosses who sat across from me, and I was confronted for what I had said.

In that moment I had to make a choice. I instantly knew what I had done had undermined my reputation and that of the one I’d spoken against. Immediately I knew I was to be fired for the rash way I had spoken without thinking. With that thought in mind I simply went for the truth of who I wanted to be…honest!

I confessed to what they knew I’d said about my co-worker. Without thinking I also apologized in true repentance. In this moment of confrontation I knew what I had done was not because I was right but because I had been irritated with the task itself. It had seemed small and belittling. Despite knowing I was to be fired, I felt a peace in having been honest.

To my surprise something changed in the meeting. The bosses who had come in with grim and determined demeanor seemed to be taken aback. It would seem they were expecting me to defend myself or blame shift. With more gentleness than I deserved, they reprimanded me not to do it again and sent me back to work.

Looking back now I understand how repentance leads to forgiveness….

In a boxing match, two opponents often stand face to face literally throwing jabs at each other until one succumbs. Wrestling however is much more of a constant contact sport. The opponents are using their entire bodies to try and pin the other guy to the mat. An on-line definition of wrestling said…sparring partners who attempt to gain and maintain a superior position. In this type of match you don’t always see your opponent’s face, so you can’t always gauge where their next attack may come from, but you always feel it.

It was the word wrestle that made me think about the battle I’ve been in. About the time I think I have the advantage, I’m flipped over again and must consider my strategy for how to regain the superior position. It’s in this uncomfortable predicament where I most remember the importance of being submissive. Not to my enemy’s attack, but to my heavenly Father’s plan of assurance that I will indeed be successful to overcome the opponent.

Eph 6:10-18  Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints

Quietly I ponder the great wonder and awe who is my heavenly Father. In the glow of His presence I persist to know Him more. He delights in my eagerness to want more of Him. He breathes encouragement into my heart and I am filled once more with fresh desire to come closer. Like a child I stand before Him and ask to sit in His lap so I can feel His arms around me once more.

Parking my car, I had seen her out of the corner of my eye. Every time I’d met her before, she made it clear; all were to leave her alone. While getting my water and book bag, I could only wonder why she was here now. Inwardly I was praying against fear. Not mine, but hers.

Saying hi, I spoke to her by the name I remembered she had given me once. Sharing back my own name, I asked her if she was coming in for a service. Her response was painful and angry, but I stood still to listen to everything she seemed to need to say. She had no idea how deeply she was hurting me with her words, and I wasn’t inclined to tell her as much.

I already sensed knowing she’d had too many words spoken to her in her lifetime. Promises broken, those who said they loved her but then hurt her deeply. She didn’t need more words from a stranger to dispute what she felt. Once she had finished with her tongue lashing, I simply responded, “Well I hope you have a good morning”. It was a lame acknowledgment, yet the best I could offer after being shredded.

I am carrying her in my heart, but it goes against the logic of my mind. She as much as told me how useless I am. To her credit she didn’t curse at me when she was stripping me down. My mind says, “Why would you give her a second thought, she hates you and everything about you? She’s a complete stranger.” My heart keeps responding with “agape” love to say, “Love the unlovable. Be intentional about that love. Be purposed to see her with kind eyes. Don’t give up.”

* Love defined as a verb…Love can be known only from the actions it prompts…It does not always run with the natural inclinations, nor does it spend itself only upon those for whom some affinity is discovered. Love seeks the welfare of all.  (*Excerpt from Vine’s Concise Dictionary)

Love Is A Verb….(lyrics by DC Talk)

Words come easy but don’t mean much

When the words they’re saying we can’t put trust in

We’re talkin’ ’bout love in a different light

And if we all learn to love it would be just right

My fingertips hurt from guitar stings. Now and again a desire to express my inner thoughts can push me to try mediums of art I don’t feel gifted for. My lack of talent doesn’t stop me from pushing myself into outer boundaries even when I hear my own thoughts tell me to stop.

Like a small child, I plunge my hands deep into paint buckets. Pulling them out I just wait for God Himself to show me the canvases I am to put my fingers upon.