DebraBee

The fence line is ever present. It has been since my youth. Will I be on the inside or stand outside of its perimeter? What the fence line represents may look different, but it’s the same for us all. Are we in or are we out?

A false perception of what it means to be in; when we compromise our ethics, faith and hope just so we can belong with the crowd.

A truthful perception for what it means to be out; when we stand up for truth despite of its costs to ourselves, to our reputations, to our dignity.

Rev 18:4 (NLT)  Then I heard another voice calling from heaven, “Come away from her, My people. Do not take part in her sins, or you will be punished with her.

The news details are muddy for where the truth lies. Exaggeration, deflection, religious opinion, politics always, and then there are people. If we stir them into a frenzy we can begin a public panic. Many people are barely making ends meet so when you introduce the possibility of economics causing even greater problems, one can only see the sign of the times. Uprising comes about for lesser causes.

A baser instinct begins to emerge. Where are the foundations within each of us for what we will deem “worth fighting for”? It’s no longer a question we can ignore. Lines are being drawn up whether or not we choose to lift our eyes up to look and see. More importantly, will we watch and pray?

Luke 21:36 “Watch therefore, and pray always that you may be counted worthy to escape all these things that will come to pass, and to stand before the Son of Man.”

I found myself looking over the valley floor as I listened to my friends talking behind me. I was high enough in the hills to see checker patterns of various properties below. My view was intriguing but still blocked from the clarity of truth. A layer of dirt and smog tried to cover the beauty of promise. The winds of change would soon be clearing away all lies and again our eyes would be seeing real sunlight.

When Peter swore he’d go with Jesus both to prison and to death, in His great mercy, Jesus told Peter ahead of time how weak he’d be when faced with the truth of his fleshly bravado. Jesus shared with Peter how he’d deny Him three times that very night.

As history played out, Jesus was captured, taken before the religious leaders who sought His death. Peter followed but stayed hidden in the crowds. As foretold, Peter did indeed deny he knew Jesus. After the third time he spoke this denial, “And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had said to him, ‘Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.’ So Peter went out and wept bitterly” (Luk 22:61-62)

My idea of what love looks like gets tipped upside down when I know the rest of the story. Jesus looked at this man, disciple, and friend knowing He was going to be put to death for him and all of humanity. Jesus never exposed Peter to the accusing crowd. He only looked at him.

In his shame, Peter went about trying to live his life before Jesus had come, but the results were dismal. Again in His great mercy, Jesus came to Peter after His resurrection, with love and compassion, “restoring” Peter. For the remainder of his natural life, Peter declared he knew Jesus to all. He went to his death as a martyr assured of how much he was loved by Jesus and he himself would be resurrected.

When I think of what love looks like, my eyes are focused upon the eyes of Jesus looking at me. I don’t fool myself for a minute that I am any better than those who walked in the presence of Jesus. I know my great need for grace and the sacrifice of Jesus’ blood upon the cross to restore and redeem me.

Here I kneel down at your feet

Merciful Lord

Beautiful King

In your love you allow me to cry

Merciful Lord

Beautiful King

I am healed here at your knees

Merciful Lord

Beautiful King

Pine needles of an evergreen tree crunching underfoot; the freshness of rosemary in the air, even my toes feeling wetness from the thick grasses I walked in. I delighted in each of these simple pleasures. I had left my house hungry. A desire beyond my belly drove me to seek something more. Even the water I carried in a bottle could not quench a thirst in me.

I came to a rock where an embedded plaque declared it to be a memorial to someone long gone. Memorializing our love in a Rock pleased me and I felt peace. I could not think of death when I was in the presence of He who offers life; everlasting life for those who would seek the better food and believe it to be nourishing.

Joh 6:27 (Message)  “Don’t waste your energy striving for perishable food like that. Work for the food that sticks with you, food that nourishes your lasting life, food the Son of Man provides. He and what he does are guaranteed by God the Father to last.”

The Roman poet Catullus gave us an offering in Latin, “odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requires? nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.” The literal translation is “I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask? I know not, but I feel it happening and I am tortured.” The poet had written this in response to his conflicted feelings about a mistress.

A short poem to provoke thoughts relating to the battle we fight every day individually. Catullus was being literal about his own mistress, but I see its metaphor. We are in love with our flesh, hating what we do in that love because it goes against the greater love of our spirit.

Apostle Paul wrote “For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.” He asked God to remove the “thorn in the flesh” but the response he received was “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” *

This thorn inside my soul

has taken its toll

I’d have given up this race

if it had not been for grace  **

*NKJV Rom 7:15, 2Cor 12:7,9

**  Lyrics from Thorn (Here With You, Jessie Goodman)

The misty rain fell over me as I walked to my car. I didn’t see the gray skies, I only felt the cleansing water. More water was coming, more cleansing, more, so much more…

I love “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” Psalm 94:19

That such a passage would be shared with us brings me comfort to know my Father understands how my mind can become so anxious. He really knows me. He knows the seriousness of attacks upon my soul to remain steadied in the heat of my trials.

In my restlessness of thoughts, I stood at the window looking out at the dark of night. A fog bank was obscuring all the stars, yet the lights of men lit up the night. For all my efforts I could not capture the truth of what I could see with only my human eyes. I instead closed my eyes to sit alone, asking to see beyond the false lights.