DebraBee

I have touched ever so briefly the love everlasting. My heart burns because of it. I sit in the place of fire and at times feel I will succumb to my longing to be done. A touch is not enough though. To taste of a love so beautiful as to surpass all my understanding only increases my desire for more. I cannot settle for less when I know there to be greater.

Psa 27:4 One thing I have desired of the LORD, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD, And to inquire in His temple.

A hurt entered my heart with just a question. It penetrated my thoughts unexpectedly. I was still in my skin but my heart was a train wreck. I pulled back again into myself, wondering what and why I was to visit this place. What more could I do? I was a mere mortal with all the limitations of my flesh to stop me from being the super being I longed to be.

The answer came quickly. There was nothing “I” in myself could do at all. I wrestled again with lack of control, but it was a futile battle. Laying myself down, I became still and asked once more for the desire to listen, to understand, to grow beyond my own nature. I stopped thinking about the question that brought me to this place. It was time to just seek the wisdom in the experience.

I stood in the room but I felt very outside of it. Looking around I could see many faces, I could even hear the conversations but none seemed to need my attention. I took note of each life I was watching and wondered what to pray about them. I begin hearing a song I know but I can’t remember it’s content. All I can recognize is one sentence…”I’m on the outside, I’m looking in.”

Later while still and quiet, I realize I am able to revisit the very room and again see every face. Now it makes sense for why I could mentally record the moment. I know I am to come here often and talk to my Father. I still am outside but looking in; I recognize the privilege to be here.

I awoke several times throughout the night due to the rainstorm. Trying not to wake my husband, I got out of bed and went to look out the kitchen window. All I could make out were shadows and raindrops silhouetted by distant streetlights. I stood there for a short bit wondering about the days we lived. So many storms were raging.

A few years ago I was sitting in the crowd. I listened to a man who was sharing from his heart. He was passionate, he was animated and all his words lit a fire in me I couldn’t explain. I kept going back week after week to hear what he shared and each week I believed more.

Joh 4:41-42  And many more believed because of His own word. Then they said to the woman, “Now we believe, not because of what you said, for we ourselves have heard Him and we know that this is indeed the Christ, the Savior of the world.”

The lights directed me down the highway. Darkness was to my right as I looked out at the sea. Turning off the highway into the lot, I was alone in the night. For the umpteenth time I could feel butterflies in my stomach without reason, it just didn’t matter. The sky was filled with stars, but in the late hour this parking area was empty. I’d turned off the engine to my car and reaching down I untied my shoes, taking off my socks.

I could hear waves crashing against the rocks as I locked up my car. It was time to feel the sand between my toes.

My car was being serviced for an oil change. Not being one for confined spaces I stepped outside and waited as traffic went by. Humming to myself I wondered about the time but the thought was too big. How much time was left? My eyes began to scan my surroundings. Signs posted of the increased gas prices, a liquor store, food places and so many others. No one was talking to each other, just business as usual.

Mar 13:31-33 “Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away. But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Take heed, watch and pray; for you do not know when the time is.”

An old song sings for us to “dream on*”. I’d put the cd in my car and listened to it off and on for a few weeks. The words standing out are about “lived and learned from fools and from sages” and my heart aches. The hunger of wanting to know love fuels our desire. We don’t always live it from our own experience. Instead we stand outside, merely observing the experience, listening to others tell us what it should look and feel like.

The invitation is open to all of us to step into love….

* Dream On by Aerosmith

I had picked up an old book by a name someone had long ago mentioned to me. The title didn’t really appeal to me nor did the subject matter seem relevant for what I felt led to read recently. Once home I began flipping through the pages at random trying to determine if the book was meant for me or to give away.

I stopped flipping when I saw the word meekness….”Meekness implies submission to God. Not a passive submission that shrugs its shoulders and says, “Oh well, I can’t do anything about it anyway,” but an active submission, a choosing to accept God’s ways without murmuring or disputing. Meekness is neither weakness nor complacency.”*

I could feel a rising in my spirit wanting to holler, “Hooray! Yes! Yes!” to being meek. Although I’d been seeking its fruit I wasn’t quite sure that being meek would also let me be the radical woman of God I could sense I was being led to be.

Mat 5:5  Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth.

* Kay Arthur from Lord, Only You Can Change Me

I stood with my husband, feeling his hand hold mine. We shared the view of the valley. Standing in the pavilion, a man pushing a wheelbarrow passed just below us. We struck up a quick conversation about the beautiful view. He shared with us how far we could see the view on a “clear” day. I’d been here often times before to pray, looking to see the mountain ranges he spoke about. As he moved on I smiled. Saying nothing, I squeezed the hand of my husband.

It was nearly time to go speak. Comfort flooded me. Today I was going to see clearly from a mountain top I had been climbing my whole life. My view was about to change.