Month: January 2011

I had stepped outside to wait for my ride. The air was coldly crisp and I was grateful for the refreshing after being indoors for a while. Putting away my phone, I took note of an acquaintance who had followed me and seemed to be waiting nearby to talk to me. I didn’t know her well but we’d been learning more about each other over the past few months.

For the next few minutes what she shared stirred the depths of me. As she spoke, she had kept her hand upon my shoulder, closing her eyes whenever I would answer back. I knew it wasn’t just another conversation despite everything in me wanting to shrink away from what she was saying.

My ride came and saying goodbye, I got in the cab. I took a deep breath and remembered how she was from the lineage of warriors. Looking out the window, I wondered about her hand on my shoulder and what she had been praying over me in silence while I talked.

My sleep was erratic and I kept waking up unsettled. Lying still, I could hear the steady breathing of my husband who lay beside me. Reaching out my hand, I touch the back of his neck gently, so as not to wake him. I feel a quiet comfort and I start thinking about an old song where the words talk about being lost in love and not knowing much.

I had been living these words. When I have no answers and my mind fills with questions, he comes in like superman, to lift me in protective arms to a place of safety. He wraps me in his love and I can’t fathom why he doesn’t want anything of me. As I drift off to sleep again I find myself lost in love and I don’t know much.

Shush little girl and hear my voice.

Daddy, why do I feel like this?

I have given you My own emotions.

Daddy they don’t always feel good.

I know daughter, but you must know them.

Why Daddy?

You have to understand how to talk to people.

What do you mean Father?

People are hurting daughter; you can’t help them unless you understand.

What do I need to understand Daddy?

You need to understand their hurt daughter.

Why do I have to feel it Father?

Because if you don’t daughter, you will never understand why I love.

He died young; a car accident where the driver was intoxicated. He may have been intoxicated too, but that seems a small matter in the grand scheme of things. Over the years I have heard many talks from the religious crowd who would try to convince me that my brother went to hell for the way he lived, and for the way he died.

I myself am challenged by the greater truth of hope! I am challenged to believe that prayer matters. I am challenged by testimonies of those who were destined for nether regions and yet Jesus, in His mercy and by His blood, purchased the price of the sinner. Our prayers matter and I hold onto the hope always that the prayers spoken for my brother snatched him from darkness. Nothing this side of heaven will convince me otherwise.

Jude 1:23 (NKJV)  but others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire, hating even the garment defiled by the flesh.

I made my way into the large room which was dimly lit, finding a place to sit alone in the back. The music of God flowed in such beauty I could scarcely lift my head. Closing my eyes I could not hear the words. I simply felt a presence unexplainable. I opened my journal to write what was in my heart. I wrote a truth about the lack for love I needed to walk in. My pen scribed, “fill my heart with more love”.

Closing my journal I looked up. Barely seeing what I was looking at, I took notice of the back of a man’s head. Although the room was dim, I could see he held his hands together behind his back and there was a familiar way he stood. Realizing it was my husband, tears flowed from my eyes. We hadn’t agreed upon issues spoken the night before and he had a tight schedule for his work duties. I knew what it cost him to be here now. My heart felt full of love, brought about at seeing this man I loved make the effort to come here. The prayer I had written only minutes before had been answered….my heart was filled with the “more love” I had asked for.

The alarm goes off. Smacking it, I dream another nine minutes. The alarm goes off. This time I swing my legs out from beneath the covers. I got to get my feet back on the ground. Sitting still for a minute, my mind adjusts to the new reality. World turning. A shower pours water over my body. Closing my eyes I go back to the dream. I just want to be back where I belong. I ache to be home.

The voice of the accuser says “run, run, run,” and his laughter is maniacal. He laughs knowing if we wear ourselves out chasing shadows, we won’t have the strength to seek the light of truth. I stop myself to stand still, covering my ears. I can feel my heartbeat drumming inside my chest and there is a pounding inside the depths of my ears. With each labored breath I become more settled, to realize the quietness coming upon me. Turning away from the desires of my soul, calmness fills my spirit. The laughter fades away….

I can see a planet with rings of color and light encircling it. There I stand on the most outer edge of its expansion seeing the stars of heaven glowing back from a distance I can’t imagine or touch. Stretching out my hands I reach for the great beyond. I keep reaching for hope.

The road was narrow, dark and winding. I watched the wipers try to keep up with the rain on our windshield and listened to the song playing in the dimly lit cab. I was struck by the coincidence of the winding turns while the song asked…”what’s coming around the bend”?

It had become a New Year for 2011 only an hour or more before…..